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2010/08/27 / Horace

My thoughts about Love

  On my way back to Beijing, I read a book written by a famous radio hostess, with a chapter discussing specifically ‘adolescent love’. I don’t want to call it puppy love because there must be some cases where the love is very serious. Reading this chapter made me think of myself.

  There was always a time when youngsters are a little bit, how to say, a little bit too excited? In China, such an excitement is strictly forbidden because it will have, allegedly, bad effects on students’ academic performance, which is crucial in parents’ eyes.

  When I was experiencing such an excitement, my academic performance deteriorated seriously. When my performance was worse than I could bear, I started to reconsider myself. I was, and am not athletic nor talented. The only thing I could and can get my self-fullfilment was, and is, my relatively good academic performance. Then I concentrated more on my study, and things started to look up soon.

   Ironically, still I had a very good friendship with that girl. And when I was at my peak on test scores, I was also going best with that girl. She would tell me what she was experiencing, and regarded me as her best friend.

   In my senior high school, (10th-12th year education), I was more restrained, since I had made a mistake in the past, and could not afford another, though I continued developing friendships with girls, and sometimes, imagined (JUST IMAGINE) a deeper relationship with one of those, or deeper relationships with more of them.

  Meanwhile, I knew that there was also some sort of permission when it came to love affairs. I saw a movie about adolescent love, exposing the hardship of reality and responsibility both sides should carry in a love and the vulnerability of youngsters. I started revising myself and found that I was not capable of offering anything.

  Some friends told me that such adolescent loves mostly were for fun. I did not agree with them, believing that serious cases did exist. But I knew that I was not qualified enough to join this so-called love game. If it was really a game, I was too honest and too serious to get the permission. If it was serious, I was not qualified at all.

  Now I am in university and people around me are getting more interested in my ‘personal affairs'(个人问题 is another saying of relationship issues in Chinese). One of my teachers in senior high even suggested me I should take action when I found someone proper. But I was too tired to do so. I have already found it hard to manage myself, and how could I sacrifice my time, energy and money for another one?

  The biggest lesson I got from reading that book was that though young, we could not make mistakes. Even though we have more time to redeem our faults, the punishment is always there and definitely unbearable. More importantly, we can be ‘young’ only once in my life.

  So I determined to stay single. I enjoy the freedom. I am willing to wait when things are ready. I have only one youth and so do my love. I cannot have fun with at the sacrifice of her youth, and neither can she do so with mine. As long as we are serious and responsible, the experience is cherishable whatever the final outcome is.

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